fasterfood:

u wake up on christmas morning and go downstairs, full of excitement. somebody is stealing all of your christmas presents. it is jesus. “its my birthday, not yours” he hisses menacingly, then runs away with all your gifts in his arms

greetings:

people that don’t put cases on their iPhones have the kind of confidence that I need

rabioheab:

calling people on the phone is more stressful than open heart surgery 

rosaparking:

babies need to shut the fuck up and get a job

proctalgia:

when u try to tell ur friends a pun

image

I’m literally my own best friend like I have inside jokes with myself and sometimes I’ll think something funny and start laughing out loud at how funny I am

(Source: dallasharry)

odair:

how is any of this considered blogging

so i was in the bus with this granny by my side when we spotted two girls kissing by the bus stop. the granny turned to me and said “these girls are so pretty. at their age i was pretty ugly. well, maybe that’s why i had to marry a man” i almost died omg

(Source: sixelya)

Animated Rainbow Nyan Cat